Happiness is a culture

The big question: DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH - IF AT ALL?

Self love is not narcissistic, it is loving yourself adequately enough to be able to radiate same to others without feeling used, drained or overburdened - we simply cannot give what we don't have.

 Every personal development or self-improvement drive has to begin with you falling in love again  with yourself just the way you are.

The psychology behind this is simple. The more you love something or someone the more value you place on them; and the more you value someone the better you treat them - This also applies to the self.

When we suffer low self-esteem on the other hand, we tend to be more bearish and reactionary in our approach to life. We lack the desire, confidence or courage to shape events in our lives just as we want them. We accept what people give us and are always merely hoping for the best.

On the other hand, a person who really loves and values himself ...

- takes a lot of encouragement from their strengths while acknowledging their weakness without being held back by them.

 - is purpose-driven and generally more confident to venture without fear of criticism or need for people's approval.

- are happier and at peace with themselves: and in that realm it is a lot easier to creatively and productively engage the mind.



To achieve a healthy level of self-esteem and self-love I have come up with 20 time-tested quotes from some great minds. Enjoy...

1. "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one." 
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
2. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
 ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
3. "It is not important to be loved by all, Respect is the vital thing. Of all who respect you, there'd be many who love you as well - and that is enough for a man of purpose." 
~ Mr Imbuya
4. "The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely."
 ~  C. G Jung
5. "Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit." ~ Shanon L. Adler
6. "Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness." ~ Deborah Day
7. "Self-Love and forgiveness is a liberation." ~ Laila Gifty Akita
8. "If you are in a bad relationship with anyone else it is because you are in a bad relationship with yourself." ~ Abiola Abrams
9. "It is never to late to be what you might have been." ~ George Elliot
10. "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself." ~ Rita Mae Brown
11. "The is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your former self." ~ Hindu Proverb
12. "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde
13. "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are." ~ Malcolm S. Forbes
    
    
14. Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Maxwell Waltz
15. "Until you value yourself you wont value your time. Until you value your time you will not do anything with it." ~ M. Scott Speck
    
    
    
    
    Hopefully, this has inspired you. Please feel free to share your own self-love quotes, stories or perspective in the comments.
    
    Be imbued...
    
    @Imbuedman (Seyi Ogunsola)

• Written by @imbuedman (Seyi Ogunsola)

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” – Maxwell Maltz

The difference between Successes and Failures at times is just their self-esteem. People with low-self-esteem tend to be more withdrawn, too self-conscious and are crippled by fear of ridicule so much that they end up being paralysed, and afraid to venture or express themselves - People with a healthy self-esteem are always waiting for the next opportunity to shine.



To ensure that we maintain a positive self-esteem, here are 10 of the things we should avoid doing - please have a good read; and feel free to offer your own suggestions:

Do not lie: When we tell the odd lie and we are found out, our confidence is dented for that moment; but as long as we are not habitual liars, we will recover - as all humans lie one way or the other. On the other hand if we have a reputation for lying, our self-esteem is lost completely and we soon develop an inferiority complex.

Do not be a perpetual debtor: Note the word 'perpetual' - no man is an island; hence, at certain times in our lives we may need to borrow things from people that will help us through tough times or to even help accomplish goals that will ultimately make us successful. Therefore, borrowing in itself is not bad or ignoble; but when we borrow - especially money - from people without repaying, we tarnish our reputation and lose our dignity. The person we are indebted to automatically assumes a superior position to us.

Do not dress shabbily or inappropriately: Back in college, on the days that you knew you were 'baffed-up' from head to toe, you wouldn't be in any hurry to leave the lecture areas, return to your hall-of-residence or go out of school altogether until you were sure everyone including your crush(es) had seen you. As the saying goes "the way you dress is the way people address you"; and the way people address you determines how confident you are.

 "One race that we will never win and is certain to make us feel even emptier is trying to out-possess everyone" -- Mr Imbuya

Do not be a rolling-stone - be an achiever:: There is a certain emptiness that fills our soul when we stand in awe of others owing to their successes especially knowing that we do not even have set-goals we are working towards never mind becoming successful. We should always strive to do things that people will respect us for, and most importantly, things that will satisfy our inner-man.

Do not gossip or say malicious things about others: When you slander or malign others too much, you know somewhere in your mind that the people you are gossiping to do not trust you as well. You know that they know that you might soon be doing same to them. You also assume everyone is gossiping about you too. Soon you become insecure, your self-esteem dips, and you begin to find it difficult to interact with people - especially with a clear mind.

Do not worry too much what others think about you: Guess what? People think about their own problems or inadequacies more than they think about you - that grammatical blunder we made the last in photography class. Worrying too much what others think about us only drains our confidence more. We should realise that no one is flawless, and everyone has their strengths. So, while it is vital that we continually strive to develop ourselves, we should also keep reminding ourselves of our uniqueness - those things or qualities we have and others wish they had.

Do not build your confidence on materials possessions: One race that you will never win and is certain to make us feel even emptier is trying to out-possess everyone. The more we try to boost our confidence by always buying or using the very best things, the less confident we are because someone will always have more than us. When we become ostentatious, there is only one winner - the advertisers or goods makers (Apple phones anyone?).
I have realised that you can drive the best car, use the best phones but still constantly feel inadequate especially when we come across people with natural charisma or outstanding qualities like high intelligence or integrity.

Do not lose control of your temper (especially in public): I've been in situations where I have overreacted to a situation, shouted down someone or just acted damn right foolishly, and as a result I have not felt too confident the next time I appear in the same gathering or setting because I imagine everyone is talking about me. 

Don't talk before you think (and that includes excitable posts on Twitter or Facebook): Yes some of the best things we will ever say will be spontaneous. But when in public especially, thinking before we talk should be the rule and not the exception. Nothing knocks our confidence - and over a sustained period - our self-esteem than the feeling that we our considered unintelligent, flippant or childish because of utterances we made but should have been left unsaid.

Do not dwell on your mistakes or beat your self down: It will not erase the mistake, it will only drain you of every modicum of confidence. There is no need to dwell on the past, as the future will always present us a chance to shine again.

 And lastly...

Thou shall not have body or mouth odour - need I say more.

               "If you don't like where you are, change it; you're not a tree." - Jim Rohn

January is here - time again for resolutions, vows or whatever else we like to call them.  For many, it's about keeping with family traditions; for some, their pastor's admonition is key, while others just find it easier to motivate themselves for lasting changes at the start of a year.

Whatever the motivations, what most of these resolutions have in common is that they are at best partly adhered to, and at worst jettisoned altogether early on.

Therefore, is it really possible to turn these resolutions into habits that stick? Are there people who can credit major permanent changes in their lives to resolutions?

These article will suggest 10 steps that can help ensure that our New-Year-Resolutions last longer than a cone ice-cream on a hot summer's day, and become habits that we can take into the next year and beyond.


Have a firm goal in sight
If we have an end in focus, it's easier to stay motivated - wanting to quit smoking in the new year because our friends think 'it's the new sexy' wont fuel our determination as much as doing so to nurse ourselves back to health or improve our overall image.

Be inspired by conviction and not petty competition
While it's okay to measure our progress against other people's to give us an idea of how well we are doing, it's not so wise to initiate change in other to out-do someone or in 'keeping up with the Joneses'

"Those who are driven by passion always find the strength to push on; but those driven merely by petty competition would give-up at the first signs of difficulty." - Mr Imbuya

If a best friend starts a business in the new year while still in paid employment in the hope of resigning to be fully self-employed within two years, and we decide to follow suit , once the hardship of sleeping for just 4 hours a day becomes unbearable, we're likely to quit. Our friend wouldn't quit because he has a plan with a desirable end in sight.

One goal - diverse methods
For example, if we aim to be fitter and healthier, it's not advisable that we rely on using the gym alone. If after using the gym regularly for the first two weeks of our fitness regime, we're not able to use the gym for consecutive days due to heavy rain or gym renovation, it's easy to lose our motivation and get used again to not working out or doing any form of cardiovascular activity.

We should devise other means of achieving this goal. For example, using skipping-ropes, dumbbells or threadmills at home. Watching fitness shows on ESPN helps too - nothing personally motivates me or gets my adrenaline pumping as much as seeing people happily working out with tangible results.

One change at a time
Difficult changes always require lots of mental strength, hence, we should avoid trying to change too many things at a time. I've also made the same mistake out of sheer excitement or over-zealousness.

The realization that we have no tangible result on any of our goals despite attempting many can make us so miserable we quit on every single resolution altogether.

It's better to make three resolutions for a year and fulfil all three, instead of making 10 and fulfilling none completely.
When we have mastered a new habit or goal over a reasonable period, we can then initiate another - that way we can muster enough mental strength and focus for each one.

Divide the goals into tasks
Break down the goal into smaller manageable tasks. This helps us to determine what part of a problem we want to tackle first and measure our progress easily.

If we want to quit smoking, it's not enough to stop buying cigarettes at the corner-shop, it may also require at some point that we stop going to the bar/club with our friends who are heavy smokers. 

Take baby steps
Pushing ourselves too hard in any new challenge often leaves us exasperated and registers in our minds as stress.

As a result, you will need to psyche up yourself to pick up that activity again. After a while, procrastination sets in, till we stop altogether.

If we want to improve our bible knowledge, it's better to take one chapter a day - gaining something tangible from the little we've read is the crucial thing.

On the other hand, if we begin by reading three chapters, chances are that bible studying somewhere down the line registers in our minds as stressful, boring and time-consuming.

Write them down/Use a reminder
It's easy to get bugged down by the constant hustle of today's fast-paced world and forget about that area of our lives that needs improvement.

Writing down our goals(tasks) and using daily/weekly reminders helps us to remain steadfast in pursuit of our goals.

We can make use of reminder alerts on our ubiquitous gadgets (iPad,  Kindle), apps such as Wunderlist or simply write them on post-it papers and stick them on our dressing mirror.

Record your progress
This can give us the kick up the backside needed if we are short of our target or motivate us further if we are delighted by the tangibility of the results.

In the first week of exercising in a bid to lose weight, we may not see physical differences in our size, but if we measured our weight at the start and realize that we have lost 2kg after measuring at the end of the week, it will motivate us going into the next week. 

Make yourself accountable.Self-motivation/discipline won't always work, at times we need someone else to remind, caution, warn, assure or praise us in our quest for change.
- A friend questioning our avowed financial discipline when they see us buying our 4th pair of shoes by the end of February could give us a reality-check.
- making your spouse a gym buddy makes it more fun, and she can also motivate you by assuring you about tangible results in your fitness regime.

Dust yourself up and try again
Lastly, be ready to stumble or fall. If mastering those new habits or goals was going to be easy, we would not need to resolve to change them in the first place.

"If at first you don't succeed, you can dust it off and try again, dust yourself off and try again" - Aaliyah

be imbued - in 2014

written by
Seyi Ogunsola (Mr Imbuya)
Twitter: @mr_imbuya
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